the burden of reliability

Happy Sunday lovelies. I am up writing this in the wee early hours of the morning because I can't sleep. I have a herniated C5-6 disc and the pain is pervasive. The disc issue is directly related to some discomfort I endured, sitting through a protective style/braiding session - that's another blog. So, there's the initial trauma, but the flare ups in pain and tingling sensation are triggered by stress.

We all have stressors. Work stress. Family stress. The constant beating our psyches experience from world news - it's a lot. What about the pressure that is put on us, simply because we are reliable, rational and kind? Everybody will not be able to cosign this one, but holla if you hear me! I am often in situations that create more tension, stress and work because people can (mostly) count on me. "Lila can do it". "Lila will do it". "Did you ask Lila?" "Lila will understand". And listen, Lila is happy to assist, offer advice, and do the heavy lifting. But, what I have discovered is, the more Lila can and will, the more Lila's (typically uncompensated) assistance is requested, and the second Lila needs a break for self care, the ish hits the fan, good deed goes unpunished.

This blog is pretty personal because I am attempting to recover from a career challenge that felt very personal and it was all because I pushed back. My name was dragged through the mud and my work ethic has been questioned because I took the space I needed to hold my sanity. I've been furious about it and my initial reaction was not pretty, but my faith in the Creator is greater than my faith in man, so I'm coming out on the other side of it, whole. If this experience has taught me anything, it is that darkness can creep in anywhere, especially when we are in a space of giving. The enemy is a jackass and he will attempt to destroy every part of us.

I am, by nature, a giver and a nurturer, but the days of giving humans everything I have until I am completed depleted, are done. This will especially be the case if the giving isn't about consciousness or kingdom building. Pleasing people will put you in the grave and I have a lot of work yet to do, so I'm going to be about the work of pleasing my Creator. Ain't nobody got time for this other stuff.